The BEST Predators Review [Spoilers]

The BEST Predators Review [Spoilers]

By RiggzWednesday - July 14th, 2010Categories: Awesome, Movies, RantTags:, , , ,

So, I saw Predators this weekend. My personal opinions of the film are of minor importance here, so I’ll just rush through and say that the movie wasn’t a travesty like AvP, but still doesn’t hold a candle to the original. Pandering to the current mindless movie-going audience is partly to blame, but beyond that some of the movie is poorly constructed and clearly doesn’t understand why people are still enjoying Arnold’s action movie today.

That being said, the movie is getting great word of mouth. Something that doesn’t usually happen with mediocre movies. I don’t understand this and a lot of times it makes me feel all alone in the world (though an empty apartment and a girlfriend living 3000 miles away doesn’t help either). Luckily, like a knight in shining armor, a hero steps forward to show me that I’m not alone. And even though the internet reminds me daily how many opinions differ from my own, there are still others out there who share my point of view. One such other goes by the name “RG“. He’s a first-time commenter, responding to a post at Topless Robot. And he’s written the BEST Predators review ever.

And WHY THE F*CK WAS LAURENCE FISHBURNE FAT? He must be one hell of a scavenger.

I KNOW! Please read the full spoiler-filled review below.


That movie was terrible.

I tried to overlook the absurdity of the premise, that the Predators actually come to earth and EVALUATE people to see who to bring to their game preserve. They evaluate people to the point of being able to discern the potential of a closet serial killer and a convict. How would they know that a guy sitting in a prison was a deadly killer? Do they read our newspapers? Do they have invisible Predators walking around with clipboards taking notes on the killing ability of every citizen? How the hell else would they find a serial killer? And why would they even want to hunt a guy who preys on helpless victims. He has no combat skills. He’s not going to put up a fight. If they had just come to earth and grabbed soldiers in combat, this might have seemed plausible.

And then they drop the people from a mile up? What is the point of that? Why go to all that trouble gathering intel on people, and then importing them, just to drop them from the sky and possibly kill them?

And why even import them just to kill them a day later? What a waste. It made sense in the first movie for a hunting Predator to visit a foreign planet and bring back trophies to show his skill.

And WHY THE F*CK WAS LAURENCE FISHBURNE FAT? He must be one hell of a scavenger. His scene was terrible for many reasons. It was some pretty uninspired writing, to determine that a guy who lived on Predator planet would be crazy, so let’s have him talk to an imaginary friend and scuttle about for the TWO MINUTES he was in the movie. What a pointless character. He essentially allowed them to grab a few grenades and delivered four lines of exposition. The writers could have had the characters find a camp with some ammo and a journal and omitted Fishburne and saved however much money they spent hiring him. The character supposedly lived for years on that planet and then he dies in two seconds when a Predator arrives.

This movie was also a good example of people THINKING something would be cool that really isn’t cool. Like Superpredators, when the regular ones were cool and an ‘upgrade’ just felt forced. And a SAMURAI FIGHT WITH A PREDATOR. Give me a break. Besides being a cheesy idea, threw in the blowing grass and the delayed fall after the final stroke. Great writing. Way to show that you’ve read or seen no less than ONE fictional samurai fight. It was a hollow moment in the movie, where they took a scene from the original and just re-did it, only this time with a character you didn’t know or care about. The lack of emotion in that scene was partly poor writing, but partly a result of the ‘group of loners’ dynamic. None of them cared about each other, so it was harder for the audience to care. It mattered in the original Predator when someone died, because they were part of a group and were friends. You understood when Mac went apesh*t. But the script for this movie apparently read, ‘Here’s where we do the Billy scene.’ And then they tried to one-up it without understanding why the scene was cool in the original. The samurai fight was a good example that sometimes, when you try too hard to do something ‘awesome’ and show no restraint, it ends up looking like a fan film.

I wish they hadn’t even referenced the original movie by talking about Arnold’s debrief. And apparently his debrief is available to any soldier in the military who feels like reading it. And it seemed even more pointless to add it when the characters ignored the advice it gave. “A man defeated a Predator by covering himself in mud to hide his heat signature.” AND THEN NO ONE USES MUD! They just ignore it! They wait until the last scene, and then CRAM it in. Adrien Brody is standing near a dazed and slumped-over Predator, and he’s wearing the mud. Which he doesn’t need because he’s standing behind a fire. Which he also doesn’t need, because the Predator is NEARLY UNCONSCIOUS! Just kill it! But no! They need to force in the Arnold climax scene, complete with unnecessary mud and and a crammed-in version of the “Kill me now” speech. And then Brody runs around hitting the Predator with a handmade weapon! When they still had guns! That chick’s rifle was lying right on the ground! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHHH! Arnold did that sh*t because he had to! He had no weapons! You could have covered yourself in mud and sniper-shot the Superpredator with that rifle from 30 yards out!

And then the MOST FORCED bit of writing in the whole movie. The Topher Grace ‘surprise’. They spent that whole movie hammering on that supblot, and it was completely unnecessary. He is thrown in a pit with that chick, and the Superpredator is going to come back and kill them ANY SECOND, and he decides that is the perfect time to reveal that he is a serial killer and is going to carve that girl up with a scalpel. The only possible person who could help save him, and he needs to kill her RIGHT THEN. This revelation came complete with the fan-film-quality lines, “At home, I’m a freak. But here, I’m normal.” Wow. WOW. They spent all movie building for that hack-ass revelation at a time when they were ALREADY ABOUT TO DIE ANY SECOND. Completely pointless. The great surprise was that he was a killer. In a group comprised entirely of killers. Why does it even matter. Any one of them could have turned.

They would have been better off just having Grace actually be a doctor. It would have been more interesting if the Predators had provided them with a doctor.

And how in the hell did Adrien Brody not figure out that twist? In a group of eight people, seven of them say they are killers, one guy says he isn’t. Hmm. You can figure out that you are being FLUSHED OUT BY PREDATOR DOGS ON AN ALIEN GAME PRESERVE WHERE THE ALIENS HAVE CLOAKING DEVICES, but you can’t figure out that if they are importing killers, the ONE GUY who says he isn’t a killer is probably lying.

In the end, I loved the movie because I got to see Shane from The Shield prison-shank a Predator and yell “DIE, YOU SPACE F*GGOT!”

Highly Recommended – 10/10

Every word is true. Now if there were only some way I could get him to comment on THIS page…